Monday, June 19, 2006

Pass the salt, please

Heard a lady on a religious program on DZMM tonight. Her topic? That in the sacrament of the Eucharist the bread and wine really are, literally, the body and blood of Jesus. And she had proof positive for this. She said that back in the 13th century a priest was having doubts about the reality of transubstantiation and so muttered some words to God. Sure enough the invisible bearded man high in the sky heard and answered his prayer. Soon thereafter he found the host he was holding was in fact a piece of flesh and that the chalice contained blood. According to the lady the flesh and blood were both tested and found to be real human flesh--muscle tissue to be exact--and real human blood. (She probably was alluding to the touted 700 CE miracle in Lanciano, Italy)

Unfortunately, she didn't say whether the priest and his congregation had a feast and cannibalized the very holy fare du jour. She also failed to mention whether they stir-fried Jesus' body parts and boiled his blood or whether they ate and drank them raw. From the scholar's point of view, it certainly would be most fascinating to find out using that sample what Jesus' blood type was (type AB in the Lanciano miracle. Hey, I'm AB too!). And who knows, we may even be able to find viable DNA in the tissue sample. Heck, someday we might be able to use the DNA to clone the Son of God. And so, as divinely preordained, science will ultimately and unwittingly prove The Resurrection.

So there it is folks. Irrefutable, incontrovertible, unassailable, indubitable evidence that those wafers they serve on Sundays only look and taste like bread (and yes they are made with flour), but in fact and without question are really body parts of Jesus--specifically, his muscles. And that liquid the priest gulps by the mouthful is blood freshly squeezed from Mel Gibson's idol. These guys certainly put Dracula to shame.

Oh, I almost forgot. The crackers and grape juice become Jesus' biceps, triceps, myocardial tissue, ... and red blood cells and plasma only after the right words are chanted over them. And only when uttered by specially licensed blokes (it's a sexist clique you see). Apparently the magic trick takes many years of training in cloisters to master.


Now I'm wondering how Divine Dinuguan tastes like. Mmmm, I'm already drooling.

1 comment:

Joe Yarn said...

The open challenge I have to the Catholic Church regarding the transubstantiation is this:

At multiple churches around the world and at the same time, samples of the wine would be tested after they have been miraculously "transformed" into the body and blood of Jesus. The "blood" would be tested to see if it was really blood. Then tested to see if it was human blood, typed, and DNA sequenced.
Of course, all the results from the multiple samples would be totally identical at the DNA level since they all came from the same god-man....

Wouldn't it be really fascinating and informative to find all this out?

But of course, the RCC would bristle at the very idea of controlled experiments using modern technology and questioning its sacrosanct (and totally bogus) tenets.

It's still and interesting idea...