Saturday, October 21, 2006

How science is the handmaiden of theology

The Catechism of the Catholic Church tells us that:

In the most blessed sacrament of the Eucharist "the body and blood, together with the soul and divinity, of our Lord Jesus Christ and, therefore, the whole Christ is truly, really, and substantially contained." "This presence is called 'real' - by which is not intended to exclude the other types of presence as if they could not be 'real' too, but because it is presence in the fullest sense: that is to say, it is a substantial presence by which Christ, God and man, makes himself wholly and entirely present." [emphasis original]


The Council of Trent summarizes the Catholic faith by declaring: "Because Christ our Redeemer said that it was truly his body that he was offering under the species of bread, it has always been the conviction of the Church of God, and this holy Council now declares again, that by the consecration of the bread and wine there takes place a change of the whole substance of the bread into the substance of the body of Christ our Lord and of the whole substance of the wine into the substance of his blood. This change the holy Catholic Church has fittingly and properly called transubstantiation."

Since the laity doesn't usually get to lap up Jesus' red and white blood cells, let's limit our analysis to his muscle, skin, skeletal, and cellulite tissues.

We're told that the "whole Christ is truly, really, and substantially contained" in the consecrated bread, which means that not only his brain, heart, liver, kidneys, entrails (and attendant intestinal flora I suppose), biceps, glutes, and all are in it, but also the incorporeal thingamabob known as "his soul and divinity" (whatever those are).

Here's the problem. If I were to eat my pet dog Bubbles, then obviously after devouring him, he will no longer be around, right? I can ingest him only once. Were I to ask for another round of Bubbles, the best that can be done is to find me a Japanese spitz that resembles him as much as possible in all his aspects, both externally and internally and even "person"ality-wise. But the fact remains there is and will forever be one and only one Bubbles, just as in all history there is and will be one and only one Monica Lewinsky (notwithstanding the fact that Monica can eat Bill's dog--in its entirety, mind you--on more than one occasion).

Here's the second problem. Given that there can be only one Bubbles, were I to say that this cookie I have in my hand is in fact a transubstantiation of Bubbles and is the whole of Bubbles, how can Bubbles also be in that cookie you're about to nibble on? And for that matter how can the whole of Bubbles be in any number of other cookies simultaneously? There would be little problem if the claim had been that my cookie contains only a part of Bubbles--we could, at least in principle, divide the transubstantiation process such that there is at least one atom/molecule of him in each cookie. But since the claim is that all of Bubbles is in this cookie, no part of Bubbles can be in any other cookie or in any other thing.

A most brain-racking problem, isn't it?

Well, it certainly was, until our generation. Today we know the answer to this conundrum. And it's pretty simply really.


Christ is wholly present in your wafer and in my wafer and in the priest's wafer and in trillions of other crackers from centuries ago to millennia hence through the power of cloning. God being perfect and the creator of DNA is the Master Genetic Engineer. Through supernatural abracadabra tens of millions of clones of Jesus are manufactured weekly in heaven and Fedexed (through its premium one microsecond door-to-altar delivery service) to various points around the globe.

The Sacrament of the Eucharist is, therefore, not only an alchemical process of transmuting flour into Homo sapiens flesh (the so-called transubstantiation), but also concurrently a process of instantaneous cloning, with the original template (The Body) preserved (i.e., free from any genetic modification and mutation whatsoever) and kept well secured behind the pearly gates. Christ is ever present and present in his totality in every serving through the remarkable phenomenon of cloning.

Now, this is scientific knowledge in the service of understanding the supernatural. And it constantly amazes how science just keeps moving us toward a better comprehension of what theologians have known since before the Middle Ages.

Given the indubitable truth of cloned Christs, the Vatican's stance on cloning now becomes quite understandable. Though we are allowed to investigate and be privy to the secrets of God's creation and powers, we should not aspire to apply such powers, for imagine the terror that would ensue were scientists able to finally clone Satan! Think about that for a moment. Were this to come to pass, it would mean that the Son would have to (re)incarnate and be crucified an indefinite number of times to defeat all these Satans.* This, needless to say, would be the mother of all horrors, both in heaven and on earth.

Deja vu unlimited cannot be permitted to happen. Thus, while science makes us understand and appreciate the wonders of both the natural and the supernatural worlds, it must not overstep its mandate. Unfortunately, however, there has been no lack of eggheads who've been swayed and even possessed by the Evil One himself, scientists who are even at this very moment doing his bidding in his quest to finally become infinitely cloned as his brother Jesus has been privileged.

Is there a way to stop this madness?

There most certainly is. As a matter of fact there is only one surefire way to foil the machinations of the Evil One: We must sit down, close our eyes, fold our hands, contract every muscle in our body and face, move our bowels, and pray. Pray, my brothers and sisters. Pray as you've never had in your despicable, insignificant lives. Pray the moment you arise from your slumber; pray as you are cruising down or crossing the highway (be not concerned my brethren for God keeps woowoos from harm); pray at work, be not distracted by the world and pray as you're operating heavy machinery or operating on that heart patient; pray as you're watching Sex in the City; pray as you make out. Oh God! pray all day and all night until the world is delivered from this sh*t!

My dear brothers and sisters, have faith! Force yourself to believe till you turn blue and green. Believe like mad that prayer works, visualize Satan defeated once and for all, click your heels three times, think only positive, happy thoughts, rub that magnet over your heart chakra, wear a pyramid on your head, eat Jesus bread made with non-GM, organically grown wheat, and soon, very soon, as long as soon may get, we shall win the war.

Peace be with you.


* "The death of Christ on the cross is the basis for Satan's final defeat (Hebrews 2:14-15; 1 Peter 3:18,22)," Why did Satan think he could defeat God? Keep in mind that Satan lives! And is the master of this world. Thus, it will soon become possible to not only create a multiplicity of him but also various genetically modified versions--each one a little different from the other--which would necessitate the crucifixion of the Second Person of the Trinity for each and every new strain of Satan. Furthermore, given the power of the scientific enterprise, scientists may one day through artificial selection create a Satan that is completely resistant to the death of Christ. An unthinkable abomination indeed!

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